If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.
To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
Nobody's a virgin...life screws us all.
I think, therefore I'm single.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
It's O.K. to laugh during sex ... just don't point !
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Before marriage, when a man hold a woman's hand, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Only women can ask questions that have no right answers.
Trust but verify.
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
Say no, then negotiate.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
How can men use sex to get what they want? Sex IS what they want.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git".
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.
Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like a pack of wild dogs.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry ?
If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!
I still miss my ex-girlfriend... but my aim is improving.
Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Those who say they "sleep like a baby", haven't got one.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?
Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand!
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
Two eyebrows are better than one.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Born Free... Taxed to Death.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
What is a commitee? It is a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
I must be a proctologist... because I work with assholes.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
151-200
I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Strangers have the best candy.
I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
201-300
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
No one is listening until you fart.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
1-49
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the calender says WTF !!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
51-100
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
When in doubt, mumble.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
