Life is like Toilet paper... you're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.

Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast. 

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow.  
 

Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me... its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice. 

When I was a child I performed on TV for a very short time. I fell off, but it was fun while it lasted!

More Funny status updates.

(There will be more added as time goes on)

I keep hearing someone screaming for help... Apparently my trunk is not sound proof.

I'm feeling super lazy today. It's like normal lazy except I'm wearing a cape and mask. 

Yes, I talk to myself.. I even argue with myself. The hard part is trying to figure out who won the argument.

If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gonna do it again!!

There are 2 reasons I would never drink toilet water: Number 1 and Number 2.
  
I'd much rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook

I went into Wal-Mart's changing rooms yesterday. After about 10 minutes I screamed out "Where's the toilet paper?" 

Just traumatized some poor guy at the store. He walked up to me and said "you look so familiar". I asked "Do you watch adult movies?"

Status updates

I wish the world was flat, there's a few people I would love to push off.

If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, I should be able to kick Superman's ass by now.

A cop came to my house today and asked me were was I between 6 and 7, i replied "3rd grade".